19    

 INDIAN 

Santa once went to the library.

Santa (to librarian): I borrowed this book a week ago. There was no plot, climax, whatsoever. It only had a bunch of names and numbers. The story was completely pointless.

Librarian: Oh, you must have been the one who borrowed our phone book!

 

    20    

 INDIAN 

Santa Singh once won the lottery. He went to Delhi to collect his money, only to find that the money would only be delivered to him lakh by lakh over the next month. The sardar was angry. "Yaar, I want all my money now."

Teller: "I'm sorry, but that cannot happen. It will be delivered to you later.

Santa: "Very well. In that case, I want back the money I paid for the lottery ticket!

 

    21    

  TEENS 

The Nasty Parrot
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

 

    22    

 TEENS 

The Handsome Prince
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

 

    23    

   TEENS 

A Proper Goldfish Burial
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

 

    24    

  TEENS 

The Soldier
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

    25    

   TEENS 

Bad Seeing-Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

 

    26    

   INDIAN 

Three men - an American, a Japanese and Banta Singh were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beep stoped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

Banta felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

 

   27    

   TEENS 

Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

 

  28    

   INDIAN 

Percentage

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?" The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" "Yes" "Can you see the bridge over it?" "Of course", said the minister.

"10 percent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked. The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?" "Sure", cried the senator. "Can you see the bridge over it?" The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said - "No, I don't see any bridge."

"100 percent", said the minister !!

 

   29    

  INDIAN 

Parents
Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.

Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'

Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'

Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'

Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'

Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'

Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'

 

    30    

  INDIAN 

Jesus
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

 

    31    

   INDIAN 

Examination
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."

 

    32    

   INDIAN 

Balbir
A Sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.

After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Balbir!" He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice-with no success .Then he realized he had lost his place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again .

After he had purchased his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a coke. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to the window, a voice called out"Hey, Balbir!" Again He tried to find the voice and got out of line as he wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. he was very upset as he got back in line for his coke.Finally he had his coke and took his seat eager for the game to begin.

As he waited for the first pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!" once more. Furious, He stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,"My name isn't Balbir!"

 

  33    

   INDIAN 

Sardar Gambles
Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed. "What happened ?" asked Surjit. "Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday. " "How come ?" "Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV. I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet." " But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?"

" Yaar, I bet on the highlights too."

 

    34   

   INDIAN 

Sardar and the barber
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the Sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.

Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"

 

   35   

  INDIAN 

Do u know what Sardarji will do if he wants a white paper?
(he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!!

 

    36    

INDIAN 

Sardar Checks Spellings
Do u know What Sardarji will do after taking Xerox ? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

 

   37   

  INDIAN 

Sardar and the race
Once, a Hindu, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane. Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled. They had no parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives and jump out of their planes.

First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a parachute and jumped. Using the turban he slowly floated down.

Then the Hindu removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as a parachute and he also floated down gently. Seeing this, the American removed his shirt and pant and jumped out.

Unfortunately, they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall rapidly from the plane to the ground. He passed by the Hindu who said - " May Bhagwan help you".

Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked at the American zooming past him and was puzzled. So he said - "I see! You want a race! Let us see who is faster" Saying so, he let go off his turban.