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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but
didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from
there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned,
which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the
aisle in search of his manager.
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a
computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped
to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young
man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been
any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news
and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your
paintings."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing
the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the
judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk
explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was
still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon
and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
A philosophy professor stood before her
class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently
she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that
it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled
into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They again agreed it was. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be
time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the
disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
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