NOTICE
: The jokes contained in this section are not racial, but rather a
humorous look at various
origins of people. It is not intended to offend or racially slur any
particular race. Lots of Jokes does NOT endorse or provide racial jokes
and does not promote any racial activities or attitudes in any form.
A British Man, a French man, and an American man are
on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of
villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that
death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the
method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a
pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out.
The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made
his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber.
"Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The
American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his
skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in
which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started
stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your fucking
canoe!"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they
go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk
comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem
dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills
and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a
grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh
Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the
cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"
PART TWO
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the
bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a
gun.
Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of
the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows
the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a
SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head
and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
PART THREE
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been
to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his
head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing
construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating
lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his
lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time,
I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage
and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and
jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given
it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me,"
she said. "He makes his own lunch."
President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a
pressing emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President
cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true
disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in
der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help,"
said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide
us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in
diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up
and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em
to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color;
hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size:
MEDIUM."
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a
plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands
out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in
Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's
so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in
Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so
warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are
in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in
gone".