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Man Gives Up On Women
April 10, 2003 - Atlanta, USA
Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares that he has
given up the life long struggle to figure out what women really want. This
came after a recently published report estimating American corporations
had spent over $1 billion dollars in 2001 to determine what want women
want from their products and marketing, and had largely failed. "If
combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and truckloads of money
can't figure these women out, how on earth is the typical blue collar man
with $28,000 after tax dollars a year supposed to?" said Mr. Ross during
an interview with Atlanta news reporters. "It may be that these women
themselves have no idea what they are looking for or what will win them
over. Many admit to having the exact same qualities in one man be
endearing, while in another, off-putting." Mr. Ross's web site has
generated over 32,000 letters of support from other men in its guest book
since his announcement earlier in the day.
Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car
September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA
In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house,
Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. “I
became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was
eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb
the direction of the carpet threads.” Magazines wanting a glimpse and
photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground
floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle
he replied, “If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I’m
willing to pay.”
Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being
sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In
her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading
into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to
his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2
years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once
been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that
his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the
accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly
responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all
incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the
law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am
quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my
vehicle."
Worlds Cheapest Tip
September 1, 2002 - Arkansas, USA
An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds cheapest
tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food and drinks for his wife
and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip. Rupee, an Indian currency, is worth
approximately 0.02 of an American dollar. When questioned the man replied,
"I had just returned from a trip to India and I had mistaken the coins for
more valuable American currency." Relaying this to the offended waitress
she responded, "His excuse is weak, since when would you be cracking out
foreign coins (that do not even resemble American money) as a tip for a
$250 dollar dinner? There is no way with a bill like that you would use
coins to tip at the customary 10%-15%, and even tipping at something like
3% would still need bills. His tip wasn't even a percent!"
Man Sues Coffee Shop for Ice Mocha
Mishap
August 26, 2002 - Michigan, USA
After spilling an iced coffee beverage
onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through a
Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental
anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic experience" that has
negatively altered his life in many ways. He claims that he was unaware of
the frigid temperature of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken better
precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during
our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature of a drink that
has the word 'ice' in its name has much more important things to worry
about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained
no physical harm, there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions
except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used
to."
Man Arrested for Sexually
Assaulting Female Manikin
August 19, 2002 - Georgia, USA
A man resembling a giant kid was arrested Thursday for sexually
assaulting a manikin at a women’s fashion outlet store. Store clerks
describe how the man made several trips past the manikin, and then went up
onto the podium where he commenced to fondle the manikin’s breasts. When
questioned about the incident, he said "I couldn't help it, she had the
nicest set of tits I’ve seen in a long time."
Impolite Movie Goer Beaten To Death
August 12, 2002 - Michigan, USA
Movie enthusiast Brad Densley was admitted to the emergency room of
a local Michigan hospital Thursday evening, and was later pronounced dead.
This was after being brutally beaten in a movie theatre for answering his
mobile phone during a pivotal moment in the movie's plot. Right away the
whimsical monotone song the cell phone rang to immediately started people
hissing and moving around in their seats. "As soon as I heard Jingle Bells
from across the theatre in mid August, I wanted to hurt someone." said one
audience member with a notable look of anger and hatred in his face. But
when Mr. Densley then answered the phone, began talking pleasantries in an
almost normal voice and proceeded to relay a shopping list to his wife,
the audience went absolutely nuts. "It was when he started with the
shopping list and he got down to the third item which was, I dunno, milk
or something. I really wanted to stick that phone up his ass. Everyone
started plowing over rows of seats to get to the guy and ring his neck,
including myself." commented one person involved in the beating. "From the
moment I saw him in the front lobby I knew he was an arrogant loser from
his ill coordinated NY Yankees hat and LA Lakers t-shirt." Stated one man
who was able to get a few kidney shots into Mr. Densley before leaving the
theatre in disgust on Thursday. When interviewing the wife of Mr. Densley
she stated, "This sort of thing has happened before and each time I was
beyond embarrassed. But I never thought it would escalate from minor fist
fights and kicking matches to the point where he looses his life. I am
disappointed that the theatre staff looked the other way and did nothing
to prevent my husband's death, with one usher in fact joining in on the
beatings." Six men and two women were later charged and sentenced to
appear in court, eleven others were issued warnings.
Airlines Take Cost Cutting to New Lows
August 5, 2002 - Mississippi, USA
In an effort to cut costs, major airlines are resorting to cutting
back even the smallest of items to curb expenditures. One in particular is
the removal of barf bags on flights commencing August. "Annual savings are
expected to exceed $450,200US", stated investor relations manager Carol
Bauer, "The small percentage who actually use them are increasing ticket
prices for the rest." But outraged motion sickness prone travelers had a
less enthusiastic view of the matter. "I guess I will just have to hurl
onto the meal tray. Frankly, based on my last flight, I don't think the
Sautéed Pork and vegetable melody will look much different if I did." said
one angry traveler. When the airlines were asked what they expected
passengers to do in the event of motion sickness they replied, "Users of
our planes who are prone to such sensitivities should bring with them
preventative medicines and appropriate containers, we are not operating a
flying hospital."
Man Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5
Years
July 29, 2002 - Florida, USA
In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, a
Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of
his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years. "At first I thought the
ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would
make me workout so I wouldn't waste the money - but that didn't work.
Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not
to go. So I decided that if money wouldn't promote me to go, losing my
life would. The hit man idea has worked like a charm, maybe even too good.
There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go, like
that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I've never had so much dark
green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that
treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs, my only complaint
lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been
over shadowed by the high cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I
can't because I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up."
Publisher Releases Guide to Kicking
Cats
July 25, 2002 - USA
The 45 page colour instructional book entitled "Kicking Cats"
guides men through the process of kicking cats down flights of stairs
without repercussions from their spouse or girlfriends. "It isn't as easy
as one would think to successfully do and get away with", comments author
John Moore. "I was caught numerous times by my at the time girlfriends and
eventually became determined to develop a fail-proof process. This book
represents years of studying, practicing, research and an estimated 150
test cats. At first I was somewhat alarmed by my dislike for cats, when
considering how much my girlfriends and ex-wife liked them. But after
talking to scores of other men about my pent up feelings of anger towards
cats, I realized I was far from alone. That is why the introduction goes
into great detail about the history of cat kicking and some of the current
theories on men's hatred of cats. The secret to a successful kick is to
first befriend the cat, building its trust in you. It is when the cat is
truly relaxed and comfortable around you that you can then angle it
towards the stair case for a mighty punt."
Pope visits Lake Simcoe
July 22, 2002 - Ontario, Canada
Not only is it part of the Popes job to visit many parts of the
globe, but it is also his passionate goal to see as many places as he can
in his life time. When questioned, as to what brought him to Lake Simcoe
he replied “Well, I have been everywhere on my ‘must see’ list; ‘could be
nice’ list; ‘well, what the hey’ list and ‘its so cheap I can’t afford not
to’ list, now I’m basically going through all the places I really never
wanted to go to.”
AOL Advert Campaign Actor Dies of Boredom
July 22, 2002 - California, USA
Jeffery Goldstein, the actor whose embarrassing line “I love when
it says ‘You’ve got mail’”, won him enemies the world over, passed away
last night due to extreme unbelievable boredom. When questioning his
mother about her son she stated, “What he said in the ad was actually
true, he would spend hours a day signing up for spam lists, newsletters,
write e-cards to himself and even post messages on bulletin boards asking
others to spam his email address just so he could hear that retched
‘You’ve got mail’”. His mother continued on to explain the cause of the
death, “But when the speakers attached to his computer stopped working
last night, a few hours after the last ‘You’ve got mail’, he slipped into
a boredom induced death spiral. The doctor said the symptoms of his death
are similar to thousands others who were listening to the latest Celine
Dion album.”
Lack of Talent Contest Being Held
for Next Batch of Mac Commercials
July 22, 2002 - New York, USA
Apple's new "Switch" television ad campaign, featuring people who
didn't quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that
Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find
actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first
batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest.
Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, "All of the actors we were
getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are
people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we are
faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the applicants for
the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some were unable to
even spell their name and had that 'not so bright look on their face' -
consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were
easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that we simply
had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit being an Apple user."
Original material ©Copyright 2002-2003
Visca Corporation. All rights reserved. Lots of Jokes News Articles are
for amusement purposes only, not intended as an actual news service. News
articles, events and people are fictitious and resemblance to real people
is strictly coincidental. Articles are not a reflection on any actual real
events they may be based on.