Jokes 7

122

TEENS

'Grassy Love'

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

123	TEENS
	I'm 'WIFE' Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional." The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids." They then asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F%$@, Etc."

125

KIDS

Mad Man

Once there was an madman who was committed to an asylum.

The asylum had a rule that if any 'resident' could pass a special 5-question test, he could go free. No resident had passed in the 20-year history of the asylum.

It was the madman's turn to take the test.

After a grueling 4 hours of testing, the examining officer said, "Well, you've passed four of the five tests. I'm very impressed. However, the last test is the hardest of all."

The examiner lead the man to a dark room, switched on a flashlight, and pointed it at a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. "For your fifth test, you must walk on the beam of light and change the bulb."

The man looked at him with an outraged expression and exclaimed, Are you NUTS?!?"

He continued, "Yeah right, when I reach half-way you'll turn it off and let me fall!"

126

KIDS

Working in DARK

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself".

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

127

TEENS

Goodnight, beautiful

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

128

TEENS

Fishing with TOOLS

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said," Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

129

TEENS

2 Wishes

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?"
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

133

INDIAN

SANTA IN TAMILNADU EXPRESS
After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

134

TEENS

BODY INCHARGE
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge.

138

TEENS

Life Lessons
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Life Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

139	TEENS
	A Dangerous Health Tip A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

140

TEENS

Two hunters
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year."

124	TEENS
	Equation of 'LOVE' If crusts of bread are better than nothing, And nothing is better than Love, Then by the transitive property of math, Crusts of bread are better than Love. No?

137	PEEYUSH BHATNAGAR Submitted on : 19/07/2001 Category : PICTURES

121	PICTURES
	Micro 'Wave' Soft

130	PICTURES
	Heat is ON!

131	PICTURES
	Phit Teri Kahani Yaad Aai !

132	PICTURES
	Wanna Ride!