Jokes 4

TEENS

Good bye, Mother!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

TEENS

This man, and his wife, had been tryin for a few months to make a kid. It hadn't gone to well so they decided together that they would go to the sperm bank.

The man asked his friend for advice.

Friend: "They give you a cup and a playboy, send you to a room and you know, you just do it."

The man decided that wasn't so bad except he was afraid that they might give him a magazine he already had...

The day came for him to go to the sperm bank. When he got there the nurse gave him a cup and showed him to his room.... with no magazine. He thought that strange, but he figured he had a good imagination...

He sat down and did was he was supposed to do. He stopped once so he wouldn't look like a circus freak, but finally it came.

He went found the nurse a handed her the cup.

She looked at it then at him and said "WE DON'T DO THAT HERE WE JUST NEED A URINE SAMPLE!!!!"

The man had never been so embarassed in his life.

Even today his Mother says, "Heard about what you did in the cup..."

TEENS

Two Hour Delay

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

64	KIDS
	A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."

65	KIDS
	Queen Size A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

66	KIDS
	Make Up! Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

TEENS

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for college guys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for single adults. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

TEENS

WISE ROOSTER

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. So, the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old guy, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle all these hens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start." So, they get a hen to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He's already about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Darn it, third gay rooster I bought this month."

TEENS

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

TEENS

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

71	TEENS
	Mr. and Mrs. Smith go before the judge for their divorce hearing. The judge asks, "What are the grounds?" Mrs. Smith says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment--He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing 'Jingle Bells' while he pissed all over me." The judge says, "Good grief! That's horrible." She replied, "Yes your honor. He knows how much I hate that song."

TEENS

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

73	KIDS
	Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" One Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

75	KIDS
	Teacher : "Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible." One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpaste and put it back into the tube again."

76	KIDS
	Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor? Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.

80	KIDS
	Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed? David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.

74	KIDS
	Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?" One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."

77	KIDS
	Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers befor eating? Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

78	KIDS
	Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Student : Brotherly love.