Jokes Store III

TEENS

Last Bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

TEENS

Who is Married - Little Johnny

"Teacher, I have a question for you," says little Johnny. "If there are 3 women sitting in an ice cream parlor, and one is biting her ice cream cone, the second is licking her ice cream cone, and the third is sucking her ice cream cone, how can you tell which one is married?"

The teacher thought for a moment, and says "The one who is sucking her ice cream cone is the married one."

"Wrong," says Johnny, "you can tell which one is married by which one has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."

TEENS

Three Little Pigs

A first grade teacher was telling her class about the 3 little pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building materials and said, "The first little pig went up to a man and asked, 'Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?'"

The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so she asked, "What do you think the man said?"

One boy raised his hand and said, "I think maybe the man said something like, 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

TEENS

No 'Baby Talk' In The First Grade
A new group of first graders were in class for the first time. The teacher told them, "You are in first grade now and we do not talk 'baby talk' in my classroom. When I point to you, stand, tell me your name, and something you did this summer."

The first child stood, "My name is Jackie, I visited my Nanny." The teacher said "That's great, but from now on we will say grandmother. There is no 'baby talk' in the first grade."

The second child stood, "My name is Regina. I rode a choo choo this summer." The teacher replied, "That's good, but from now on we will say train. Remember, no 'baby talk' in first grade."

The third child stood, "My name is Frank and I read a book this summer." The teacher replied, "That's wonderful Frank! What book did you read?"

The little boy very proudly replied, "Winnie the Shit."

TEENS

Alabama Johnny
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he past 50 right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded, and told him "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it halfway through without much trouble. Some made it to "S" or "T", but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him. "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

TEENS

THE DOLL
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

TEENS

MAKE A CHOICE
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors.

Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice".

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor.

Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor.

Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "OK, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

48	PICTURES
	Nike too far

TEENS

Masked Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the
party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could
and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you.... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

TEENS

Parking Lot
An older woman was cruising around a busy parking lot just before Christmas. She was driving in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space.

Finally, the woman saw someone, who was loaded with packages, heading for a car. She patiently followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumb founded and outraged.

Then the women jumped out of her car shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"

He replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it right into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?"

She smiled and said, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!"

TEENS

Cat on the 'roof'
There was once an American man who took a long vacation to Europe, leaving his cat at home with a friend. About a month into the trip, he got a call from his friend telling him that his cat had died.

"WHAT?!?!" asked the vacationing man, shocked to hear the news. "I loved that cat! You can't just call me and tell me that it died! You have to ease me into it. First maybe call and tell me that the cat's on the roof. Then call again and tell me that the cat fell, but you're doing everything you can to save it, and then tell me that the cat has died."

The American agreed and the vacationer went on with his trip. About a month later, the vacationing man got another call from the American, saying simply, "Your mother's on the roof."

TEENS

Missing 'GOD'
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?"

The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy's face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

TEENS

Request For Divorce

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

TEENS

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

TEENS

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

56	TEENS
	Restroom Two military guys go into a restroom. One is in the Navy and the other is a Marine. When they are done, the navy guy goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands, while the Marine starts to leave. The Navy guy yells to the Marine, "The Navy teaches us to wash our hands." The Marine yells back, "The Marines teach us not to piss on ours!"

57	DON MARTIN'S BEST CARTOONS FROM MAD MAGAZINE PICTURES
	Suicide

58	DON MARTIN'S BEST CARTOONS FROM MAD MAGAZINE PICTURES
	One Day On The Bridge

DON MARTIN'S BEST CARTOONS FROM MAD MAGAZINE PICTURES

TEENS

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

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