Husband 1.0
To whom it may
concern:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry
applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf
2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under
no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose
utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please?
Jane
----------------------------------
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that
Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is
an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few
applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files
from the system, once installed.
Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0
has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part
of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under
"Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs
very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.
I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this
strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might
also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0,
secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the
operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL
faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great
feature, enter the command "C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2
must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should
then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP:
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:I APOLOGIZE"
command before the system will return to normal operations.
Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or
worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband
1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly .wav files that are very
hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip.
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to
improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and
Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep
Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming
years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Sincerely,
Tech Support